The latest update: Zadie

Hello. So I need to record my feelings and all about what is going on with Zadie. I'm so worried about her. She started middle school in Berkeley this year and it was a very rocky start. So much change all at once - new house, new town, new school, new friends. And she is so sad about leaving her old friends behind. But the good news is that we still see them often. Lots of driving back and forth to SF. Now she's making friends and often times seems happy and engaged with school. And she's doing very well with her school work. But ever since the camping trip with Harvey Milk 4/5 class back inApril, she is not feeling well. Has headaches often. And occasionally feels nauseous. The mornings are the worst. A lot of this is also compounded with the fact that she started puberty almost a year ago (December 2021). So her moodiness is off the charts. And it's so hard to figure out what is moodiness due to puberty and what is due to the fact that she may not be feeling well physically. We had her tested for all the possible things - lyme, mono, etc.. All tests came back normal - except we did find out she was low iron. So we are trying to give her iron pills supplements, but she can't swallow a pill and when she eats the gummies, she can't stand the taste in her mouth. This becomes an international affair - with a lot of crying and carrying on. Now the dr wants her to start taking another medication to help with her headaches. And she cries and carries on when she has to take this medication too. Richard is trying to help her learn how to swallow a pill. But that's also not working. 

Last night she was in tears because she doesn't want to go to Amitim (hebrew school). She doesn't like it, doesn't like the other kids, and doesn't see the point. She also is super focused on why she has to invite the whole class to her bat mitzvah. I'm sitting with her trying to explain why this is important. But it seems totally futile. How to explain to an 11 year old why it's important to learn about her culture that is 5,000 years old. I have no clue. It's heartbreaking because I wanted her to have a bat mitzvah in a shul with the whole congregation in attendance. But I think I"m reallizing that that is not going to be the case. She doens't want a whole bunch of people focusing on her and she doesn't want to stand up in front of all these poeple who she said "don't want to be there". I'm a little bit laughing at that because I know what she means...that's the reason I didn't want to have a big wedding. !! I have to let go of my dreams of what I want for her and just embrace what she might want for herself. But how does she really know what she wants! How can I trust what she understands and what she doesn't understand. In same ways she so naive - and she should be! She's only 11! 

Last night Richard went into her because I was just so DONE after talking with her for over an hour - with crying and throwing herrselef, etc... So he went in, and seh was in bed, and she just said she wants to sleep forever... Richard came into me afterwards and was like "this is a sign of depression." Which I agree with. But the therapist that we met with over zoom didn't think she required teharpy at the moment. But maybe she does. 

Today she is going to Amitim. Richard is oging to have to deal wiht it and a friend from AMitim (who she doesn't like) iscoming as well. She's going to be miserable later. I'm going to pick her up at 630. We'll see how she is.

Amanda has been super helpful with all of this. Don't know what I would do withoiut her support and clear sightedness.