The latest update: Zadie

Hello. So I need to record my feelings and all about what is going on with Zadie. I'm so worried about her. She started middle school in Berkeley this year and it was a very rocky start. So much change all at once - new house, new town, new school, new friends. And she is so sad about leaving her old friends behind. But the good news is that we still see them often. Lots of driving back and forth to SF. Now she's making friends and often times seems happy and engaged with school. And she's doing very well with her school work. But ever since the camping trip with Harvey Milk 4/5 class back inApril, she is not feeling well. Has headaches often. And occasionally feels nauseous. The mornings are the worst. A lot of this is also compounded with the fact that she started puberty almost a year ago (December 2021). So her moodiness is off the charts. And it's so hard to figure out what is moodiness due to puberty and what is due to the fact that she may not be feeling well physically. We had her tested for all the possible things - lyme, mono, etc.. All tests came back normal - except we did find out she was low iron. So we are trying to give her iron pills supplements, but she can't swallow a pill and when she eats the gummies, she can't stand the taste in her mouth. This becomes an international affair - with a lot of crying and carrying on. Now the dr wants her to start taking another medication to help with her headaches. And she cries and carries on when she has to take this medication too. Richard is trying to help her learn how to swallow a pill. But that's also not working. 

Last night she was in tears because she doesn't want to go to Amitim (hebrew school). She doesn't like it, doesn't like the other kids, and doesn't see the point. She also is super focused on why she has to invite the whole class to her bat mitzvah. I'm sitting with her trying to explain why this is important. But it seems totally futile. How to explain to an 11 year old why it's important to learn about her culture that is 5,000 years old. I have no clue. It's heartbreaking because I wanted her to have a bat mitzvah in a shul with the whole congregation in attendance. But I think I"m reallizing that that is not going to be the case. She doens't want a whole bunch of people focusing on her and she doesn't want to stand up in front of all these poeple who she said "don't want to be there". I'm a little bit laughing at that because I know what she means...that's the reason I didn't want to have a big wedding. !! I have to let go of my dreams of what I want for her and just embrace what she might want for herself. But how does she really know what she wants! How can I trust what she understands and what she doesn't understand. In same ways she so naive - and she should be! She's only 11! 

Last night Richard went into her because I was just so DONE after talking with her for over an hour - with crying and throwing herrselef, etc... So he went in, and seh was in bed, and she just said she wants to sleep forever... Richard came into me afterwards and was like "this is a sign of depression." Which I agree with. But the therapist that we met with over zoom didn't think she required teharpy at the moment. But maybe she does. 

Today she is going to Amitim. Richard is oging to have to deal wiht it and a friend from AMitim (who she doesn't like) iscoming as well. She's going to be miserable later. I'm going to pick her up at 630. We'll see how she is.

Amanda has been super helpful with all of this. Don't know what I would do withoiut her support and clear sightedness.

9/23/20

Taking the AI everyday. Definitely feeling hotness often. A number of times a day. Mostly when I'm stressed or anticipating something coming up. It's manageable. Also, having trouble falling asleep. I feel like I'm starting to fall asleep and then I get jarred out of it and have to start all over again getting back into sleep mode. I've been smoking weed lately in the evening to help with that. 

9/1/2020

 Received my second Lupron shot on August 19.  At that time, I picked up the Aromatasin Inhibitors (sp?) at Kaiser pharmacy. I felt like my doctor should have been clearer with me about when to start taking the AI drug. Anyway, now I've been taking those pills as well since August 19. One pill per day taken in the evening. With my paxil and iron pills. That day I felt what I thought was maybe a hot flash or two. And the next day too. But not sure if it actually was a hot flash or just in my head. Today and yesterday, I'm feeling some cramps in my lower abdomen. Not sure if this is related to some type of ovulation. I thought I wasn't supposed to be ovulating. Not sure. Also after not exercising for a long time, I'm trying to do some exercise again on the reg.

Today 8/5/2020

We returned from camping on Tuesday to Ostrander Lake in Yosemite. I got my period on about Thursday, July 30. Which is weird bc I thought when I got the Lupron shot that that would stop my period from happening. Anyway, I ended up getting it just as we went camping and it was heavier than it's usually been. So I just had to use toilet paper the whole time bc I didn't have anything else. We had a great time. Kids were amazing and very resilient. Last night (after a day of doing a million things including checking in with work, a PFC meeting, and baking with Zadie), after dinner and after a couple glasses of wine I had horrible heartburn. I haven't had it like that since I was pregnant and can only chalk it up to the wine. But still not sure. It mostly went away - but I still felt it a bit this morning. It's mostly gone now.

Today

7/22/20. First day after first shot of Lupron. Feeling good. Same as yesterday so no big changes to report. My arm/wrist/hand still hurt - but that was happening before the shot.Trying to rest it by not using my phone as much. But will seek a referral for an OT if it continues or gets worse. Kiddos are in camp (Z at the JCC; B at SF Giants Camp). So I have time to myself. Walked around the hill 3x = 3.4 miles. Will keep trying to do the walking everyday. It's good for me.

First day of Lupron 7/21/20

First Lupron shot today. Last day of pre-ovary-working me. I feel good. I am forever grateful to my ovaries for providing me with two beautiful children. I am so grateful for all that I am able to do with the body I have today. After this shot I will be different. But hopefully not deterred from living my life in an energetic vivacious way. That is what I hope. That I can wake up most mornings and look forward to the day ahead and be eager//excited about all that I am able to do and feel. I love my body and who I am. And I hope that will continue despite this treatment. And maybe I will grow a beard and maybe I won't.

Today

Oh and oy. The last couple of days have been so stressful and worrying. Both Zadie and Benjamin are sick again! It's like the 5th time we've been to the dr since B was born. I'm not used to this bc Zadie was so healthy as an infant and even up until she started school. It's only since Benjamin was born that we've all been getting sick. I can't stand to see him sick...as an infant. It's so sad. So now, he is on abuteral (via the nebulizer), Zyrtec, and a dose here or there of Tylenol. Zadie just finished her antibiotic for a second ear infection in one month and now is on Zyrtec. They are both taking chinese herbs as well. I can't keep track of all the medications. On Sunday, I gave Benjamin some of Zadie's medicine by accident. Luckily, it wasn't a problem (which I found out after calling poison control). Oy vey. Never mind the fact that both Richard and I are not feeling 100%. His throat is killing him and my ears still hurt (for which I am also taking Zyrtec). And today, Richard said his ears are also starting to hurt him. 

A mom at preschool told me that her second was just sick for a whole year. And it's to be expected with the second child. It's so upsetting. I'm on a rotating door at the doctor's office. I was so proud of the fact that Zadie was never sick. I got a three-year pass. Now we are all sick all the time.